Originally written for the Incredible Women of India

I have rarely met someone who hasn’t said ‘I just want to be happy’, at a certain point in their lives. We’ve all run after the unicorn named happiness at various stages in our lives and some of us are probably still running to capture that image of sheer childlike joy.

We might argue, that we know what makes us happy – having some amazing food, travelling the world, shopping, having a night out with friends, good conversations the list to achieve that happiness is endless.  It sounds simple right, having a tough day – step out for a meal or call a friend and spend some time. Neuroscience explains this as giving our brain a dopamine hit, but what happens when the dopamine fades away? We are back at the baseline state we were before the action, i.e., a State of Unhappiness.

Because the actions we take – having a drink, going for a smoke, having sex, shopping all of them are momentary. The hit the brain receives will recede after a point because they are short term pleasures. One could argue that through continuous stimulation, short term pleasures can give us happiness, at least for that moment in time. But that’s not only what they do, they often impede us from achieving our long-term goals.

What are long term goals?

As the name suggests, long term goals are something you feel passionate about, they provide you with a sense of achievement because you’ve worked hard to get them. Needless to say, once you’ve achieved long term goals, they’d also give you long term pleasures. The sense of achievement that you get from getting the award, running the marathon, writing that book, making the promotion, or completing that degree is not only yours but is reflected in others as well and for a long time.

How does continuous short-term pleasure, hinder long term goals?

Simply by keeping you stuck.

Let me give a personal example, I’ve tried to lose weight for most of my adult life. I am obsessed with it and I have tried everything possible from diets to exercise to boot camps to get to my ideal body weight. While I admit in my twenties it was my shallow attempt to fit in, in my thirties it was my insecurities, however, in my forties, it has now become a necessity. Now I know I have to focus to avoid comorbidities kicking in.

This is a long-term goal. I know the pleasure received from it will be long lasting for both my physical and mental well-being. However, it means that to get to this the effort will also be humongous.  In this case, my short-term pleasures of eating good food (Read Pizza’s and dessert) or numbing my unhappy state with alcohol or not working out because ‘I don’t feel like’, are only causing me to stay stuck and away from my goal.  The guilt that follows after binge drinking, or binge eating only adds to the unhappy state, leading to looking for more short-term pleasures and the loop continues.

So, what is the answer? In two short words – Equilibrium Happiness. Finding your baseline happiness. The question to ask oneself is – ‘What makes me truly happy?’ and the trick is to keep asking yourself till you are truly satisfied with the answer. Ask yourself follow up question, ‘Do I want this for me or someone else?’ –  stepping out for a round of drinks, knowing you have an early morning tomorrow or giving in to others’ expectations.  Would their being happy give you your happiness?  If the answer is no to any of the follow-up questions, then keep going in the loop till you have the answer that you know is true. Once you do, make it your obsession and make it your discipline. The choice is between what you want most vs what you want now. The steps you take on the days it seems impossible to move will give you the biggest dopamine hit; the self-control the discipline gives you will carry you forward in the face of temptation. Once you start making progress, the guilt and the want of seeking short term hedonistic pleasures will lessen, if not disappear totally.

Happiness is a choice; you can make it your route or your destination.  Always remember No pain no gain.