Break the effing pattern!

Updated: Aug 21, 2020

Moving to a different country is not easy, moving with a busybody toddler is even more difficult and doing it alone almost solo parenting all the way is well impossible. But we did it! And at the cost of blowing my trumpet, I think we have adapted well. Going from having two household help and my parents to, managing my son, household and holding our life here together alone is nothing short of being commendable.

Believe me when I say it was not as easy, for some time I’d been massively depressed and at its worst, I didn’t stop to notice or realise. I put a brave face, shrugged the darkness that gripped me and chugged on because doing anything else was not an option. Everything depended on me! Everyone was dependent on me or so I thought!

A little background, for a while now I have been feeling low, unimportant and wasted. I have attachment issues and I don’t form close friendships; I do have few people I love to death but they will tell you that they always get to know about me and my life as a courtesy note and never when it is actually happening. I guess the only person privy to my life is my husband and that's not by choice! If I could, I would hide from him as well.

I have had this constant fear that if I don't kill myself in a relationship, people will up and leave. Which makes it tricky forming relationships, because I loved testing boundaries and over the years I kinda mastered the art of people pleasing. What friendships will last if the very foundation was not based on my true self? After a while cracks would appear and eventually the relationship will get pushed to the regions of acquaintances

How did being a mother impact this? it made me come out in seams, unglued, unhinged. A relationship which I can’t escape out of, can’t take a break from, can’t push away because how do you push away a baby? A baby who is dependent on you 24/7. And how do you teach yourself to unlearn everything, to put away your fears?? This lack of an escape route put me in despair, I felt trapped. It made me morose and angrier because this crying, clingy bundle of joy is the result if my massive struggle with infertility, this is what I asked God every waking moment for 4 years of my life!

There were few breaks in between few days where husband stepped in, few days where I willed myself to rise, but they were far and few.  What made the journey worst was I really had no reason to be depressed, I had everything going for me, I was a mom something which I never thought was possible couple of years ago, I was in UK a country I dreamed to be me in ever since I read the first Enid Blyton, I couldn’t shake it, I couldn’t be free.

Finally, after grappling with it for 6 months I decided to seek help, I joined a course which is called Understanding of depression and dealing with it based on awareness and cognitive skills. Sounds a lot doesn’t it? Actually, it is not, what it teaches you is to look for patterns of depression and break them. The best part is if life dealt you coconut sized lemons in the past and buried you under them you don’t need to stay buried, you can break out of it just break the habit, just take one step at a time, break the pattern, look for alternatives, If going out seems too much call a friend to take you out, If getting up out of bed seems a task get your hubby to give u a steaming cuppa coffee.. If you are lonely and alone get a pet! you don’t have to be perfect, and most importantly look at no one for approval, if they don’t like you with your imperfections well then good luck to them .. it will be good riddance to rubbish

You can break out of depression; you just need to find that one tiny hole and start hammering!

See someone behaving differently, withdrawn, refusing to enjoy things which they used to swear by? Never say probably they need space to handle things trust me sometimes all they need is someone to wait it out with them

Be the mate in their corner! Help them to break free!

#selfacceptance #lifestyle

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